Save Us From Telemarketers
When I worked at 3M I never ever received telemarketing calls.
NEVER!!
You may not know this; or believe me but 3M was one of the very first (if not THE FIRST) company to implement Voice Mail then known as VMX.
Once that was implemented you could hardly expect anyone in the land of THE FROZEN CHOSEN to answer their phone.
Of course that was my experience while I was at 3M and I am certain they have vastly improved in that regard. .
". . .but your call is very important to me. . .beep!"
Today was an unusual Monday as I had given everyone a three day week-end.
I have no idea why by the way, it just worked out that way.
Everyone of course didn't include me so off I went to lord over my rapidly growing window film kingdom.
My duties specifically to answer the phone and appear busy.
That's when it began at 8:30 AM my first call was someone claiming "they would get me on top of Google. .
"Guaranteed!"
I asked him "exactly what a google is?" in my best Festus imitation??
He went on a few minutes explaining.
The second line lit up and saying "golly, golly a few times I said "I reckon I'ze gotta git that thar other line."
"Advanced Film" I answered. (I remembered to have a smile in my voice, of course. warm. . inviting. .happy. .)
A pause and a woman's voice quickly begins explaining how I could use help with my credit cards and my credit card debt.
IT TOOK FIVE SECONDS TO REALIZE IT WAS A RECORDING!
I hang up.
Ring ring..
"Advanced Film good morning", I smiley voiced said.
A male voice sounding nasally mid-western asking me "if he can speak to the marketing decision manager?"
I explain that "our Marketing manager, like most marketing managers everywhere is a total bonehead and is currently on suicide-watch at a local mental health facility."
I tell him I have just been offered his job ("this is after all a cut throat business, but I don't think I am qualified because the voices in my head are telling me it's a bad idea"
Undeterred he tells me "this is great new; but is my Boss available?
I tell him "the Boss is a moron" and hang up!
I wonder at the irony of working for a moron given that I work for myself.
Ring Ring. .
"Advanced Film Solutions"
Woman's voice asking me "if we take credit cards?"
" Err yes. ." I exclaim; "why do you ask?"
"Do you know how much money we can save you if you used our credit card processing company??" she asks solemnly.
"Nope" I offer; "but we are thankfully an incredibly wealthy and successful window tinting business who wants to give something back to our credit card companies."
I ask her if "she realizes how much money these card companies have had to write off because of deadbeats??"
"I want to give back to these banks and that's why we enjoy paying higher fees!"
Thank God for The Bank Of America!
Ring Ring. .
"Advanced Film Solutions"
"Hi. .can I speak to the owner or person in charge?" He asks quickly.
"Maybe I can help you?"
"I just started here having arrived from the UK- - but thus far the owner is seldom around and the bloke in charge is hanging around the water cooler telling stories. Still I rather like these guys since they are all very upbeat and want us new employees to make decisions independently. "
"Tell me how might I help you?"
"Well. .we are running a special this month on custom pens and tee shirts that help your branding planning and promotions. "
"Damn rather, rather, a top notch idea . .capital. .capital . ."
(I am still doing my best fake English accent. .)
"We need more branding for certain at this shop. More logos!!"
I hang up. .
Looking at the clock I realize it's 9:00 AM. .
Just in time to open.
NEVER!!
You may not know this; or believe me but 3M was one of the very first (if not THE FIRST) company to implement Voice Mail then known as VMX.
Once that was implemented you could hardly expect anyone in the land of THE FROZEN CHOSEN to answer their phone.
Of course that was my experience while I was at 3M and I am certain they have vastly improved in that regard. .
". . .but your call is very important to me. . .beep!"
Today was an unusual Monday as I had given everyone a three day week-end.
I have no idea why by the way, it just worked out that way.
Everyone of course didn't include me so off I went to lord over my rapidly growing window film kingdom.
My duties specifically to answer the phone and appear busy.
That's when it began at 8:30 AM my first call was someone claiming "they would get me on top of Google. .
"Guaranteed!"
I asked him "exactly what a google is?" in my best Festus imitation??
He went on a few minutes explaining.
The second line lit up and saying "golly, golly a few times I said "I reckon I'ze gotta git that thar other line."
"Advanced Film" I answered. (I remembered to have a smile in my voice, of course. warm. . inviting. .happy. .)
A pause and a woman's voice quickly begins explaining how I could use help with my credit cards and my credit card debt.
IT TOOK FIVE SECONDS TO REALIZE IT WAS A RECORDING!
I hang up.
Ring ring..
"Advanced Film good morning", I smiley voiced said.
A male voice sounding nasally mid-western asking me "if he can speak to the marketing decision manager?"
I explain that "our Marketing manager, like most marketing managers everywhere is a total bonehead and is currently on suicide-watch at a local mental health facility."
I tell him I have just been offered his job ("this is after all a cut throat business, but I don't think I am qualified because the voices in my head are telling me it's a bad idea"
Undeterred he tells me "this is great new; but is my Boss available?
I tell him "the Boss is a moron" and hang up!
I wonder at the irony of working for a moron given that I work for myself.
Ring Ring. .
"Advanced Film Solutions"
Woman's voice asking me "if we take credit cards?"
" Err yes. ." I exclaim; "why do you ask?"
"Do you know how much money we can save you if you used our credit card processing company??" she asks solemnly.
"Nope" I offer; "but we are thankfully an incredibly wealthy and successful window tinting business who wants to give something back to our credit card companies."
I ask her if "she realizes how much money these card companies have had to write off because of deadbeats??"
"I want to give back to these banks and that's why we enjoy paying higher fees!"
Thank God for The Bank Of America!
Ring Ring. .
"Advanced Film Solutions"
"Hi. .can I speak to the owner or person in charge?" He asks quickly.
"Maybe I can help you?"
"I just started here having arrived from the UK- - but thus far the owner is seldom around and the bloke in charge is hanging around the water cooler telling stories. Still I rather like these guys since they are all very upbeat and want us new employees to make decisions independently. ""Tell me how might I help you?"
"Well. .we are running a special this month on custom pens and tee shirts that help your branding planning and promotions. "
"Damn rather, rather, a top notch idea . .capital. .capital . ."
(I am still doing my best fake English accent. .)
"We need more branding for certain at this shop. More logos!!"
I hang up. .
Looking at the clock I realize it's 9:00 AM. .
Just in time to open.
Posted by Mike Feldman at 10/19/2009 2:11 PM 
Categories: Humor Unusual Weird
Tags: telemarketers drive us nuts
Categories: Humor Unusual Weird
Tags: telemarketers drive us nuts
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